Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.