The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
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*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
We need to put an American base on the sun
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
WHY?!
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
How does one answer this?