[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight đ
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
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âAre you carrying any treats, sir?â
âNo, Iâm not.â
âCookies? Biscuits?â
âNope.â
âPlease empty your pockets.â
âListen, Iâve already told you-â
âIâll also need to check your bag.â
âI donât think thatâs really nec-â
âSir, Iâd advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.â
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Maâam I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Women are too difficult, Iâm gonna marry a poptart
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
In relationships, itâs important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Fun fact: if you say âI did the math,â nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhogâs psychic abilities to better use.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
âHi Iâm an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.â
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that âleg day.â
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[job interview]
Boss: Whatâs this 3 year gap in your rĂ©sumĂ©?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says âninja-ing.â I donât understâ
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* Youâre hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined ÂŁ300 despite how impressive that sounds
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide PODâą you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
IT guy just called to say âok, youâre cuteâ I told him thatâs sweet but I donât actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? Itâs queued.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.