Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.