oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I thought this was funny lol
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification