Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.
On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.
Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking.
*gets saltwater fish tank
*fills it with plastic bags, soda bottles and garbage
staring intently from couch: Ahhhhh, the ocean
Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan.
I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.
RED BULL: gives you wings
WELL READ BULL: teaches you dynamics of flight
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.
Test your friendship today by liking and retweeting all the replies to a friend, but not their original tweet.
People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.