Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
i baked you a cake
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭