Tony Hawk, age 6
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Human are so complicated
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
💁🏻♂️
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success