@Browtweaten: Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
@Browtweaten: Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That's not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
@Browtweaten: God: You're going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
@Browtweaten: *After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
@Browtweaten: *Deserted Island*
Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies
Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed
@Browtweaten: Doctor: You're sick
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
@Browtweaten: Friend: How's the new job?
Me: Can't complain
Friend: What's with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can't complain
@Browtweaten: Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I'm so proud of you
@Browtweaten: *First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there's a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money