@Browtweaten: *First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there's a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
@Browtweaten: Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
@Browtweaten: God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
@Browtweaten: *Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
@Browtweaten: *Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I'm asked, then yell "it's loose, cover your mouths!"
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That's my girl
@Browtweaten: Brain: Great workout, here's some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I'll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: ... that long
@Browtweaten: Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
@Browtweaten: Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That's him, officers