“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly


angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel


me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what


[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please


caterpillar: *walks*

snake: ok what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OK WHAT


girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa


me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this


getaway driver: did he just get in line


god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl


me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up


terminator: come with me if you want to live


terminator: I said come with m–

me: I’m thinking