me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ


me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:


professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what


centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*


captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger


me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes


me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle


me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂


me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does