@Browtweaten

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

@Browtweaten

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

@Browtweaten

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

@Browtweaten

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

@Browtweaten

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: ok what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OK WHAT

@Browtweaten

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

@Browtweaten

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

@Browtweaten

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

@Browtweaten

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

@Browtweaten

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said come with m–

me: I’m thinking