Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of Browtweaten's best tweets

@Browtweaten : Caterpillar: *walking*

Snake: Okay what

Caterpillar: *grows wings*

Snake: OKAY WHAT

@Browtweaten: Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

@Browtweaten: Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That's not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

@Browtweaten: God: You're going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

@Browtweaten: *After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

@Browtweaten: *Deserted Island*

Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies

Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed

@Browtweaten: Doctor: You're sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

@Browtweaten: Friend: How's the new job?

Me: Can't complain

Friend: What's with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can't complain

@Browtweaten: Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I'm so proud of you

@Browtweaten: *First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there's a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money