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Page of Browtweaten's best tweets

@Browtweaten : Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I'm so proud of you

@Browtweaten: *First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there's a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

@Browtweaten: Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

@Browtweaten: God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

@Browtweaten: *Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

@Browtweaten: Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

@Browtweaten: *Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I'm asked, then yell "it's loose, cover your mouths!"

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That's my girl

@Browtweaten: Brain: Great workout, here's some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I'll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: ... that long

@Browtweaten: Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

@Browtweaten: Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That's him, officers