@Browtweaten: Therapist: What's your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn't find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
@Browtweaten: Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
@Browtweaten: *Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a "Children At Play" sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
@Browtweaten: Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he'd like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: ...
Wife: Omg I can't take you anywhere
@Browtweaten: Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
@Browtweaten: Me: One more peep out of you kids and I'll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT'S IT
@Browtweaten: Magician: I'd like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I'll do it
Magician: You'll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He's good
@Browtweaten: Me: I'll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It'll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
@Browtweaten: *Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first