@Browtweaten: Therapist: What's your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn't find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

@Browtweaten: Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

@Browtweaten: *Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a "Children At Play" sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

@Browtweaten: Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he'd like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: ...

Wife: Omg I can't take you anywhere

@Browtweaten: Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

@Browtweaten: Me: One more peep out of you kids and I'll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT'S IT

@Browtweaten: Magician: I'd like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I'll do it

Magician: You'll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He's good

Wife: What

@Browtweaten: Me: I'll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It'll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

@Browtweaten: *Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first