Funny Tweeter

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Page of Browtweaten's best tweets

@Browtweaten : *Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

@Browtweaten: *First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We're trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

@Browtweaten: Me, to everyone: Why can't I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can't I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

@Browtweaten: Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

@Browtweaten: *Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don't really keep growing after you die- it's that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

@Browtweaten: A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" but in the middle it's me trying to button my pants

@Browtweaten: Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I'm ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I'm Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That's flattering but I'm married lol

@Browtweaten: *Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you're here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can't stop fighting streets

@Browtweaten: *A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

@Browtweaten: Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn