HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.