I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
This classic never gets old . . .
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Tell the colonel to bring it
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!