My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Meowchelangelo
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed