Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.