@BucMarvin

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

@BucMarvin

I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.

@BucMarvin

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

@BucMarvin

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

@BucMarvin

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.