The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
everyone’s a critic
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
brian had himself a morning…
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.