Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Strange things: the prequel
2 Stranger 2 Things
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this
Nurse: you’re not a patient here
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: oh no
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.