You Might Also Like
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.