CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.