Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?