Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.