INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
What’s so funny?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.