I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
LOL!
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.