NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
my dog when i have a friend over
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Love is always patient and kind.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t