[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
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Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?