Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
People buying plungers never look happy.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much