@C00LpenNAME

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@C00LpenNAME

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

@C00LpenNAME

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

@C00LpenNAME

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

@C00LpenNAME

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

@C00LpenNAME

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life