Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
You Might Also Like
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
twitter is a journey
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.