When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?