Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.