professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?


gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*


[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT


[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?


gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas


alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs


cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*