My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
You Might Also Like
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.