My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?