My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I think about this a lot
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.