Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Thursday
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ