The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.