Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids