Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
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I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
#inspiration #foodforthought
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee