I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
You Might Also Like
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Meanwhile in Canada…
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on