Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.