My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
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[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself