Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.