Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.