Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
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Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
🔦🌙👣
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
that de-escalated quickly
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
All. The. Damn. Time.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.