They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise