*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
birds and squirrels envy us
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
crazy
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”