friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
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Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
me and my fake scenarios
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?