Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I just ran a .003048K
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.