@Cali_Kid_Mike

“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Nice try government. But I’m not taking you back until I know where you’ve been for the last two weeks.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single

@Cali_Kid_Mike

So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?