People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.