wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.